‘Alternative Facts’: To Be or Not To Be Truthful in TrumpLand

A Fun-Filled, 7-Point Guide to Popular ‘Alternative Facts’

January 23, 2017 by Brandon Weber

Just the Alternative Facts, Ma’am
If you haven’t been living under a rock in the last few days, you know that Trump’s Press Secretary Sean Spicer, and then “Presidential Counselor” Kellyanne Conway both attempted to spin the obvious disparity between the actual number of people who showed up at Trump’s inauguration Coronation versus Barack Obama’s first inauguration by saying that they have “alternative facts” that say the opposite, and that Trump’s was the most attended/viewed inauguration in history. Chuck Todd handed Conway a dose of reality over the weekend about this as well.



The New York Times published a list of the “facts” that Trump’s press guy Sean Spicer offered over the weekend, with the fact checks that are based on real numbers from real people and real organizations (for those of you who wish to shout, “FAKE NEWS” … Look, there are things known as facts that can be figured out and uncovered. And there is no alternative.)


So, with that in mind, we decided it was time to come up with a handy dandy little guide to some of the other “alternative facts” that Trumpet, his staff, and members of his cabinet have come up with and will beat to death over the next year or two.

1. Right To Work
Facts

So-called “Right-To-Work” states have lower wages and fewer benefits than states that allow the freedom to collectively bargain for better lives. It’s just simply true.

Alternative Facts

Right to Work is good for workers, since they can go to their jobs without having to pay dues to a parasitic union and otherwise can b̶e̶ ̶a̶ ̶l̶e̶e̶c̶h̶  enjoy all of the benefits of working in a unionized shop without worrying about who is actually footing that bill. Yay, freeloaders! It’s the American way!

2. The Affordable Care Act a.k.a. Obama Care
Facts
The Affordable Care Act has brought health insurance to 25 million + Americans who need it, and has been a godsend to people with preexisting conditions, young people, folks who don’t have employer-based medical plans, and many others. Sure, there are problems with it, so fixing those is a much better option than “repeal.” But even if the numbers are just a bit hard to fully nail down, 20 to 25 million is about the number of people who have insurance because of the ACA, but didn’t before. That’s a lot of citizens.

Alternative Facts

Obummercare is just communism with a capital C, and besides, it was created by that black president who is a CommunistKenyanMoooslum. Making people get health insurance when they should have the freedom to die any way they choose is anti-Amuurhican, by gosh. And just because every other industrialized OECD country makes health insurance a right for their people doesn’t mean we’re not the Greatest. Country. Evarrr. USA! USA!

3. Global Warming
Fact
Global Warming is real, and it’s accepted as such by 97% of scientists who study this stuff, as well as pretty much every country in the world. Case closed.

Alternative Fact

It’s snowing right now in my back yard. How is that warming? Besides, it’s all a conspiracy to sell things like renewable energy, but the fossil fuel behemoths that still control a shit-ton of the information that comes our way every day and who deny global warming are most definitely not trying to sell us things. Insert patriotic chant here.

4. Sexual Abuse and Rape
Facts
It’s one of the most common crimes to never get prosecuted, it’s devastating to the victims and their friends and families, and those who perpetrate any of these crimes need to be punished fully and removed from contact with society.

Alternative Facts

“Now come on, that’s locker room talk. Boys will be boys, and girls need to keep an aspirin between their knees, even when some hormonal, “can’t help it” guy is forcing himself on her. And if there’s a baby that is created in the process, well … it’s her problem. Wow, would you look at the time? I have a meeting with a lobbyist for lunch. Guess who’s paying?”

5. Social Security
Facts
Ever since FDR’s dream of keeping our elderly and the disabled out of poverty was brought to reality, dying on the street as a beggar is a fate that so many people have avoided. It’s also a fact that Republicans have hated this thing ever since it was created by that SocialistKenyanMoooslum … oh, wait. Sorry … I went full-on Alternative Fact there for a minute. Oh, and 60 million people collect SS benefits.

Alternative Facts

It’s going broke! The sky is falling! And if you’re Paul Ryan (a.k.a. V̶e̶r̶m̶i̶n̶ Speaker of the House), you took full advantage of Social Security when your father died in order to make it through college. But now, you really, really, want to get rid of it for everybody else.

6. Medicare
Facts
Like Social Security, Medicare has become something that our elderly depend on when they’re done working and want to cruise on autopilot and spend time with their grandkids or sailing the ocean blue, without having to worry about dying of preventable diseases or deciding between buying medicine or buying food for dinner. It works, it’s not in danger of going broke any time soon (and that can be fixed with a few small changes), and 55 million people depend on it.

Alternative Fact

It’s going broke! The sky is … oh, wait, we already used that one. Spending! Budget! THE DEFICIT, OH MY! We want to turn the money that goes into Medicare into vouchers that would offer less care for more money, and the bonus is that you can handle dealing with the doctors on your own, without Big Guvmint interfering. And if your voucher won’t cover your medical expenses? Ahh, shoot. Sorry, but we’ve got a meeting with the heads of a bunch of corporations who don’t pay taxes right now, so we’ll get back with you. Promise. Cross our black hearts and hope to … “Gentlemen! Glad to see you. I need some money to run again in 2018. Who’s offering?”

7. Minimum Wage
Facts
Adjusted for inflation, the federal minimum wage peaked in 1968 at what would now be $8.68/hr. It’s now at $7.25/hgr., or 90% of the value of the 1968 minimum wage. Adjusted for productivity (which is related to a number of things including technology, as well as how hard and how efficiently we work), that wage would be $23.72. Also, taking a look at cities that have raised their minimum to much higher levels, what happens to prices of food, rent, and gasoline? They stayed the same.

Alternative Facts

Clearly, the only solution is to abolish the minimum wage. Oh, and let’s bring back slavery, eh?