The most toxic environment for a boy growing up is a single mother household. I can tell readers from personal experience that boys don’t get all their needs met in a single parent household. Many of the lessons they learn in that hostile territory growing up make them into lost, confused men with no defined sense of identity.
How does a single mother destroy her son? Let me count the ways:
Speaking negatively about their father. The most damaging thing a mother can do is speak badly about a child’s father in front of them. These negative statements about the child’s father are the equivalent of hitting that child with a fist in the jaw.
One half of that child is the father and when he hears his mother saying negative things about him he usually the boy grows up doubting himself. They think that there’s something wrong with them. That they need to change a part of themselves to get approval of his angry mother.
It’s these identity issues usually cause him to resolve to not be like his father. It’s these identity issues that cause a boy to hate himself.
Saying negative things about men. Thanks to their failed relationship with the child’s father, many Single mothers have a subconscious hatred of men. And they express that hatred about every man they come in contact with. Saying things like “That no good nigger” or “Men ain’t shit”, or doing things like avoiding male cashiers, salesmen, and speaking negatively about male acquaintances have a profound impact on children, especially boys.
Hearing these negative statements and seeing these misandristic actions about men and regarding men make little boys afraid of embracing their masculinity and their male identity.
One of the easiest ways to turn a boy into a Mangina is to have him constantly hear numerous negative statements about men from his mother. When a boy hears that his mother hates men, he resolves to not be like them. Which is simply self-hatred.
Teaching their sons to disrespect their fathers’ authority. One of the most dangerous things Single mothers indirectly teach their children is to disrespect male authority. By making negative statements about the child’s father, dismissing things he says and telling them to disregard his instructions, she teaches her children to have no respect male authority and to have no regard for males in charge.
Most mothers think they’re getting back at the dad by doing this. But they don’t see the long-term damage they do by teaching their sons to have contempt for their fathers. Boys growing up to disrespect of their fathers have no respect for all other men in society.
Teaching their sons to disrespect male authority and male authority figures.When a mother teaches her son to have no respect for the authority of their fathers, it teaches them that men are not be respected. That can get him into trouble when he runs into male authority figures such as supervisors and police officers when he gets older. This is why many boys who come from single parent homes have a hard time adjusting to the real world. When challenged by male authority figures they often resist them or disrespect them because they’ve been made to believe they’re beneath them.
What most boys from single parent homes don’t understand are that these men they have little regard for have the power to fire him from a job. And if they’re in law enforcement these men who have the power to kill him if he doesn’t follow their instructions to the letter.
Projecting anger at the father onto the son. It’s not common for a Single mother to go into an angry rant when their son does something wrong or makes a mistake when they disagree with her. Oftentimes she’s venting the rage she feels about the child’s father at the son. Statements like: “You gonna grow up to be just like yo no good daddy” hit boys like fists. Oftentimes these emotionally abusive blows knock boys down for the count emotionally before they even get up to become men.
These hostile and negative statements from a single mother can force boys to withdraw socially, and erect emotional walls. These walls prevent these boys from connecting with others and forming healthy relationships when they get older.
Not allowing their father to see them. While things between a single mother and the child’s father may have soured, the mother should NEVER deny the father a right to see his child if he wants to see them.
Contrary to the belief of most feminists and liberals, a woman CANNOT be a mother and a father to a boy. Nor can she raise a boy to become a man. Boys need that relationship with their father to gain a sense of themselves and to understand their masculinity and male identity. Without that relationship they often grow up lost and confused about their identity as a man.
When boys can’t answer those questions that only a father can answer, they take cues from Hypermasculine images in media or from ideas from their peers to fill in the empty space regarding what type of man they should become. And if this media isn’t available, he starts taking cues from their mother regarding what type of man they should be.
Bringing in substitutes for a father. Many single mothers who have alienated the Child’s father and are overwhelmed try to bring in a substitute male to role model for him. Unfortunately, this man often never measures up or is capable of doing the job of the child’s father. Oftentimes he winds up just as overwhelmed and frustrated as the single mother is because he has no understanding of the family’s history or the previous history of the child.
What most single Mothers don’t understand is that only a father can meet the needs of his son. Only he can meet the emotional needs of that boy and because half of that boy is based on who he is and because he has some understanding of who the mother is.
Coddling their sons. Single mothers are the biggest enablers of bad behavior in boys. When their sons do wrong, they make excuses for them. When they make mistakes in life they blame others for doing wrong by “Their boy”. And when they fail in life, they bail them out.
Thanks to their coddling, their sons never grow up learning they have to take responsibility for their actions. Oftentimes, the sons of single mothers often grow up spoiled with a sense of entitlement and a belief that the world owes them something. That makes them impossible adults to deal with.
Inconsistent discipline. Along with coddling, the most damaging thing single mothers do to kids is inconsistently disciplining them. Because they don’t understand the role a father plays in establishing consistent structure and order in a child’s life, they either don’t punish boys for their bad behavior or they go overboard with excessively violent or harsh punishments.
With an emotional single mother there is no plan of action to correct the bad behavior in their sons or to educate them on what they are doing is wrong. So the bad behavior often continues well into their adulthood And because boys never learn that for every action there will be the same reaction every time they never grow up to learn how to take responsibility for their actions.
Teaching boys to be emotional. Boys who grow up in single parent homes don’t learn how to control their emotions. This leads to them not being able to cope with conflict in life.
A boy has to grow up to learn discipline and self-control in order to navigate life in the real world. When he’s raised to think logically by his father, he learns the self-control that allows him to walk away from trouble. He thinks about the long-term ramifications of his actions and the impact on others.
But when he’s raised by a woman he learns to think of his short-term feelings. And when he acts on those feelings, he often says and does things he regrets. A man who has no control over his emotions is more prone to go into a rage where he beats a woman who disagrees with him or says no to him, get into fights with men over silly things like a basketball game or a look in his direction. Or his words and actions can cause him to get into a scuffle with police where he’s fatally shot and killed for resisting arrest.
This loss of self-control can cause him to be seen as weak by other men and make him a target for the abuses of both predatory men and women.
Not teaching their sons what boundaries are. Some Single mothers just don’t understand what structure is like men do. And part of the healthy establishment of structure is establishing boundaries. Boundaries are imaginary lines in the sand that keep boys safe. They keep boys from going too far and doing things that will hurt them. And a strong father teaches their sons what boundaries are at an early age.
Boys who grow up without boundaries cross lines. They take dangerous unnecessary risks. They don’t know when they’ve gone TOO FAR. They violate people’s personal space. And they can’t take NO for an answer.
This leads to people having to do things like take out restraining orders, have them arrested, beat them severely, or even kill them to make them STOP whatever they’re doing.
Not teaching their sons coping skills. Boys who grow up in single parent homes often don’t learn how to cope with the obstacles life throws at them. When things like rejection, failure and loss come into their lives they don’t grieve, hurt for a while and move on like Real Men do.
Instead they go BERZERK.
Boys who haven’t been taught coping skills by their fathers can’t deal with the many curves life throws at them. When their girlfriends leave them, they stalk and kill them. When they lose a job they go on a shooting rampage. And when life just gets too damn hard for them they commit suicide.
Establishing a co-dependent relationship. One of the most destructive things Single mothers do to their sons is try to turn them into a surrogate husband. What they don’t understand is that they’re doing is establishing a co-dependent relationship with them.
In this co-dependent relationship, Single mothers attach an emotional hose up to their sons. And as they use their sons to get their emotional and other needs met it literally sucks the life out of these boys, preventing them from growing up to become healthy, functional men who can have a relationship with women his own age. Thanks to co-dependent single mothers boys never learn to get their own lives and become their own man.
Smothering. Smothering something that prevents a boy from growing up to become a healthy, emotionally stable functional man. When a woman smothers her son it’s the equivalent of putting a boot on a boy’s neck and never letting him get up. It paralyzes him and prevents him from moving forward in life. Many single mothers often KILL their boys by choking the very life out of them with their constant nagging and hovering over them.
When a mother holds a child too close to them, it prevents them from going out into the world and experiencing life. When they try to dictate the terms of a boy’s manhood all it leads to is him growing up dependent on women for his existence.
Bullying. Single mothers often use threats, intimidation and verbal abuse to control their sons because they become frustrated when they act in masculine ways they don’t understand. It’s often this emotional abuse that makes their boys grow up to see women as overbearing, domineering emasculating and downright hostile.
This form of bullying often makes boys avoid women and avoid relationships with women. If a decent woman doesn’t show him what a positive relationship with a woman looks like, he grows up to think of all women as monsters.
Trying to run his life. Some single mothers often try to control every move their sons make. This turns them into pussy whipped mama’s boys who can’t do anything for themselves.
What most single mothers don’t understand is that a man has to go out into the world one day. And that boys have grow up and learn how to do things for themselves if they’re going to survive out there. If he can’t leave his mother’s locus of control he’ll never learn how to take responsibility for himself.
Thinking she can raise a man be a man on her terms. Single Mothers often try to define their sons’ manhood on her terms. They’re often disappointed when their quest to make a “perfect” man out of their sons blows up in their faces. Usually when women define a boy’s manhood and male identity he grows up to become a pathetic creature who can’t do anything for himself without the leadership of a woman or a misogynist with a vehement hatred for women.
What most Single Mothers don’t understand is that only a man can teach a man how to be a Real Man. Only a man understands what a man has to do to navigate life in this world. There are only some lessons a man can teach a boy about life, and women need to understand this.
Trying to turn their sons into “Perfect” people. Another mistake single mothers try to do is making their sons better than their father. This puts a lot of pressure on a boy and gives him an inferiority complex.
Boys who are trying to be “perfect” often wind up growing up filled with insecurity and anxiety. This fear encompasses every part of their life making them introverted and withdrawn. They can’t cope with the challenges of everyday life because they’re afraid of making a mistake that messes everything up.
When it’s mistakes that make them better men. When boys make mistakes, they build the character that allows them to become stronger men with a tougher resolve.
Men who fail, fall and screw up learn how to get up, dust themselves off and try again. That failure is a part of life. And every failure only helps him grow.
Ironically, in their obsessive quest to make their sons “perfect”, Single mothers wind up making their sons into pathetic weak men who can’t function in society. Boys who grow up to become men who are afraid of taking risks. Men who are always playing it safe. Men who are nothing more than cowards.
Not encouraging them or supporting them in their quest to become independent men. Many single mothers profess to love their sons. But when those boys try to do things that will allow them to grow up to become independent men, they shut them down or sabotage them.
Many single mothers fear that if their sons start taking adult actions that will take them to the next level they’ll become like their “evil” fathers. So they do things to keep them stranded in a state of arrested development.
Oftentimes these co-dependent single mothers are afraid that if their sons start taking actions that will allow them to become adults, they’ll set boundaries and remove the emotional hose they’ve attached. And without that boy to maintain that co-dependent relationship with them, they’ll wither away and die pathetic lonely women. Or worse, they fear that their sons will find out the TRUTH regarding the relationship between her and his father.
Not encouraging boys to embrace their masculinity. Single mothers often do their sons a disservice by not encouraging them to be masculine. Instead, they shame their boys about expressing their masculinity and in some cases punish them for it.
Some women do this subconsciously because they have a deep seeded hatred for the child’s father. So they seek to get even with him by sabotaging their sons’ development. By emasculating him and destroying his masculinity and male identity, she hopes to get back at that man who she thinks did her wrong.
Not encouraging boys to embrace their sexuality. Many single mothers are ashamed of their sexuality because the relationship between them and their father failed. So they teach their children to be ashamed of sex and their sexuality.
Boys who grow up in single parent homes often grow up confused about their sexuality. And because there’s no father in the home to show them how a healthy heterosexual male relates to women, he starts learning how to relate to the opposite sex from a female perspective.
And thanks to his single mother’s bad sexual experiences with men he learns that sex is something dirty and wrong. Something only whores do with perverted “no good” men.
When there was nothing wrong with sex. There was just something wrong with the way she had relationships with men that led to her having bad sexual experiences.
Boys from single parent homes are often have no idea how great sex can be. Misled by peers and misinformed by angry parents they often have a negative perception of sex.
Sex can be a wonderful thing. When a boy is properly educated on his body and his natural male sexual energy he can share himself with a woman physically, emotionally and mentally and have a great sexual experience.
Misleading boys about Male/female relationships. One of the biggest lies Single mothers tell their sons is that he has to be a friend to a woman in order to have a sexual/romantic relationship with them. When this is not true at all. Following this advice leads to boys winding up failing at romance.
The truth is that women DON’T want to be friends with the men they choose to be romantically involved with. Most women choose their sexual partners and boyfriends within the first five seconds of looking at them.
The Single mother may want a man who is their friend after her failed relationships with men. But younger women who are functional and want a good relationship DO NOT want their man to be their best friend. Men who are in the friendzone are men they have NO sexual attraction to.
Telling boys that all women are whores. Many Single mothers express their jealousy at younger women their sons get involved with. They’ll say they don’t want their sons to make the same mistake they did years ago, but that’s a lie.
What they resent is the youth and beauty of these women and the possibility that they’ll have better character than they have.Moreover, Single mothers resent the possibility that their sons will have a successful romantic relationship. Single mothers fear that if their sons have a successful romantic relationship it’ll reflect badly on them. That it’ll show how they were the reason why their relationship failed and how everything wasn’t on that “no good man”.
So they express their anger at those women telling their sons that they’re whores and sluts. The goal of this shaming language is to make the boy back away from a possibly healthy relationship with a woman outside of her and continue maintaining a co-dependent relationship they have with each other.
Sabotoging his relationships with women. Single mothers hate their sons having girlfriends because they fear that as he gets closer to this woman, he’ll start establishing healthy boundaries that will sever the emotional hose they have hooked up to them. And if he severs that hose she’ll have to do something like getting her own life.
Single mothers often have no idea the damage they do to their sons every day. How their indirect actions are having a profound impact on their male childs’ upbringing. How the values they teach lead to their boys becoming men who can’t navigate the challenges of life.
If you’re a single mom, please put aside your grievances and let that father get involved in his life. He’s the only one who can teach him the lessons he’ll need to become a man. When you try to raise a boy on your own all you’re doing is destroying his chances of growing up to become a functional adult.
"Adversity introduces a man to himself" - Anonymous
Originally posted on April 27, 2013 9:00 PM
http://shawnsjames.blogspot.co...troy-their-sons.html
Originally Posted by Yemaya:
Actually it will be on OWN on this very Sunday, May 5th at 9/8pm EST.... Like I said, people just need to grow up and take care of their responsibility ie putting on their big girl/big boy draws on.
http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-li...or-Fatherless-Sons_1
When my young son's teacher asked to see me, I reacted defensively. I was a 17-year-old girl thinking: "What had he done this time? What am I going to do with that boy?" The conversation was a rude awakening. "Your son pulls his pants down when he uses the bathroom," the teacher told me. "He doesn't know how to use a urinal." I turned my face to hide the tears of embarrassment. In that moment, as I explained our situation, the realization hit me like a ton of bricks: I am the mother of a fatherless son. Listening to the corrective measures offered by the teacher, it became clear that I was training my son from my perspective as a woman. There were some things that I just didn't know—and others I had failed to realize.
When a boy doesn't have a father to show him the way, he can never be quite sure about the manhood things he needs to know. He's never really clear about how strong is strong enough, how soft is too soft, or how much doing and giving is enough, from a man's point of view. A boy needs a man to teach him how to push forward and when to pull back. A man can demonstrate to a boy when to stand up—and for how long.
When a boy doesn't have a father to guide him, he's not sure when to speak up or when to shut up. A man who did not have the input of a father is never quite sure about what other men will think about what he has to say. When a boy doesn't have a father to show him the way to being a man, he's never quite sure who a man is or what a man does. A woman may cry when she's afraid, scream when she's angry, eat chocolate when she is depressed or off balance. What does a man do? How does a man handle turmoil in his mind or heart?
When a boy doesn't have a father, he grows up never feeling quite sure about himself, his life and what is expected of him. He may overcompensate, undercommit and, in some cases, just give up rather than fail. He may grieve silently what he missed and what he may be missing. He may quietly long for the love of a father. He may believe he lacks that special something that makes him worthy of love.
For years, I watched my fatherless son struggle. I cried about his failures. I took credit for his success. Like so many mothers raising fatherless sons, I made his life about me, failing to recognize there were things he needed that I just didn't have to give. It wasn't a failure on my part or his part. It was simply a reality, a truth that neither his father nor I considered.
My son's story is a familiar story. It is the story of hundreds of thousands of boys growing up without fathers, with only their mothers' perspectives of manhood to lean on. Some of those perspectives are clear, powerful and loving. They work well to shape a boy's mind and heart. Others do not. They are perspectives filled with anger, disappointment, vindictiveness, fear, shame and guilt that is impressed upon a boy's soul about who he better or better not be as a man. All too often, these are the perspectives that pave the road to prison, drugs, domestic violence and arrested manhood development.
Shall we blame the mothers? Shall we call the fathers guilty? I suspect that neither would be a good fix. What needs to happen quickly is that parents must become responsible and accountable for the lives that God has placed into their hands. The mother of a fatherless son must keep the door open. The father of a son must learn how to, and be willing to, walk through the open door to his son's heart and life. All boys need to know what it feels like to have a man—a father—love them.
Again, ALL of these things are not necessarily true for ALL males raised by a single mother. People keep acting like single mothers are something new, at least since right-wing politics has used every form of propaganda to condem, malign and create "self-fulfilling prophecy syndrome" in the children that are raised in single-mother homes.
Some things are instinctively male or female, some males are just not born with natural male instincts and have to act them out vicariously by literally watching other males.
I do believe that children do need the influence, presence and guidance of males, preferabley their own father, but also of females, preferably their own mothers. However, I don't believe that EVERY male child raised by a sing mother is doomed to failure or will grow up wanting to wear dresses. I think the "urinal" example was a very poor choice to put out as an example. ALL little boys have to become accustomed to using a urinal. Most people don't have urinals in their homes,[even two-parent homes]. I noticed the child's age was not mention; I'll bet the child was not more than 5 or 6.
There are so many things that young males do learn from their fathers and other males in their life, but I don't think it makes or breaks how a male child will turn out. But, notice if you will, how a young girl growing up without a mother is rarely even mentioned and no one is suprised that a young girl raised by a single father seems to still, in most cases, instinctively grasps onto her natural born femininity and figures out so many things that her father has not discussed with her or drew up a blue print for.
Boys have grown up in single mother homes since forever; fathers have always died, fathers gotten killed, fathers have always gotten sick and died, fathers have always gone off to war never to return, fathers have always abandoned their families, some fathers are useless alchoholics or drug addicts, some fathers have always been inept parents, some fathers have always been abusive to their own children; so the first thing people need to do is stop acting as if single mothers are something new, or that never before most recent years were male children raised by single mothers.
The problems African America has with young Black males goes far beyond just being raised in a single-parent/mother home.
Get resources for fathers and support for fatherless sons
Read more: http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-li...Sons_1#ixzz2SGCO8j9y
No comments:
Post a Comment