Ameena Matthews: Beauty, Wisdom and Strength.

Ameena Matthews

Mother and wife Ameena Matthews has dedicated her life and career to peace building and social change. She has worked for six years with the Chicago Project for Violence Prevention's Ceasfire Program in the University of Illinois at Chicago's School of Public Health. Matthews is a Senior Violence Interrupter whose job is to mediate conflict on the front end to stop the transmission of violence from one person to another. She and two of her co-workers are the subjects of an award winning documentary titled "The Interrupters." The film features her as a riveting community activist while showing her loving and nurturing attributes. The film has been accepted in many film festivals and won honors at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah where Matthews had the honor of sharing the experience with her family. She has appeared on every major television network, CNN, BBC, Frontline and HLN. She has been interviewed by National Public Radio, USA Today, Chicago Tribune and Sun-Times, Jet Magazine, New York Times and others. In 2011, Matthews received the TedX Midwest Heroes Award presented by Illinois Governor Quinn and was honored as the 2011 Chicagoan of the Year. In February of this year she was a guest on the Colbert Report.

Matthews was raised in one of Chicago's tougher neighborhoods by her grandmother. She is the daughter of Jeff Fort who until his conviction in the 1980s was a leader of the El Rukn gang. After some gang-affiliated years of her own, she went straight. Raised as Muslim, she began practicing her religion and started promoting peace building through the art of music, dance and spoken word. Once Matthews began working with Ceasefire, she became involved in mediation after being called to assist with two brothers who attended Leo High School. One of the brothers got into a fight with a student inside the school who took his money and gym shoes. The mother called Tio Hardiman, Director of Ceasefire and said she needed help; her son was planning to go to school with a weapon to get his brother shoes back. Tio dispatched James Highsmith, who asked for Ameena's help. "We worked hard and resolved that conflict which would have lead to a death. I got the young man out of Chicago and he is now a graduate of Morehouse College with a major in Criminal Justice."

Matthews says "I don't feel like violence interruption is a job, I feel it's my purpose. I didn't know better so I didn't do better coming up. Once I learned better and started doing better, it was my call to duty to educate and reach out to my young brothers and sisters all over. For my children to hear the news that a young person is missing or has been shot, and ask Umma(mom) aren't you gonna do something? That makes me happy. My children look at me as a cool mom and are proud to be my children. My husband did not know what a violence interrupter's job duties meant and how dangerous it was. He was and is still worried about his wife, but he is on board 100%. The love we have for one another makes us both understand each other's life purpose is to be of service."

Copyright © 2011 The Board of Trustees of the University of Illinois Contact the Webmaster

Jay Z: Is Shawn Carter Being Unfairly Demonized?

Over the years I have notice a trend where certain celebrities are demonized by haters. In some cases they are accused of belonging to elite devil worshipping secret societies that are said to include rituals of a bisexual and homosexual nature.
Basically what I see is a bunch of have nots hating on the haves by stating that the only way they have been economically successful is by selling their souls to the devil. This sad and serves to further divide us and keep a segment of our people from making any real progress. They refuse to become anything because they feel they cannot make it without selling their souls or doing immoral acts to get anywhere in life. It's just another excuse for failure before they even attempt to become something in life but a hater.
Please read the following article.

Jay Z: I'm being 'demonized' over Barneys deal

Nekesa Mumbi Moody and Karen Matthews, Associated Press9:52 a.m. EDT October 27, 2013

NEW YORK (AP) — Jay Z — under increasing pressure to back out of a collaboration with the luxury store Barneys New York after it was accused of racially profiling two black customers — said Saturday he's being unfairly "demonized" for just waiting to hear all of the facts.

The rap mogul made his first statement about the controversy in a posting on his website. He has come under fire for remaining silent as news surfaced this week that two young black people said they were profiled by Barneys after they purchased expensive items from their Manhattan store.

An online petition and Twitter messages from fans have been circulating this week, calling on the star to bow out of his upcoming partnership with Barneys for the holiday season, which will have the store selling items by top designers, inspired by Jay Z, with some of the proceeds going to his charity. He is also working with the store to create its artistic holiday window display.

MORE: Sharpton threatens NYC store boycott over profiling claims

But Jay Z — whose real name is Shawn Carter — defended himself, saying that he hasn't spoken about it because he's still trying to figure out exactly what happened.

"I move and speak based on facts and not emotion," the statement said. "I haven't made any comments because I am waiting on facts and the outcome of a meeting between community leaders and Barneys. Why am I being demonized, denounced and thrown on the cover of a newspaper for not speaking immediately?" he said, referring to local newspaper headlines.

Jay Z — who rose from a life of crime in Brooklyn to become one of the most heralded rappers and one of entertainment's biggest superstars — has in the past called for a boycott of labels perceived to be racist, and has become more political in recent years, from speaking out about the killing of black teenager Trayvon Martin to campaigning for President Obama.

Jay Z said in this case, he's still trying to find out what happened —which is why he was silent.

"The negligent, erroneous reports and attacks on my character, intentions and the spirit of this collaboration have forced me into a statement I didn't want to make without the full facts," he added.

He also dismissed reports that he would profit from the collaboration. He said he's "not making a dime" from working with Barneys. Instead, his Shawn Carter Foundation, which provides college scholarships to economically challenged students, will get 25 percent of all sales from the collaboration.

"This money is going to help individuals facing socio-economic hardships to help further their education at institutions of higher learning," he said. "My idea was born out of creativity and charity… not profit."

He also said that "making a decision prematurely to pull out of this project wouldn't hurt Barneys or Shawn Carter but all the people that stand a chance at higher education," he said. "I have been working with my team ever since the situation was brought to my attention to get to the bottom of these incidents and at the same time find a solution that doesn't harm all those that stand to benefit from this collaboration."

Jay Z said he understood what it felt like to be racially profiled — but also didn't want to jump to unfair conclusions.

"I am against discrimination of any kind but if I make snap judgments, no matter who it's towards, aren't I committing the same sin as someone who profiles?" he asked. "I am no stranger to being profiled and I truly empathize with anyone that has been put in that position. Hopefully this brings forth a dialogue to effect real change."

Depression and Sleep

Depression and Sleep: Getting the Right Amount

Lack of sleep can upset your biologic clock and make your depression worse. At the same time, depression can influence your sleeping habits.

By Chris Iliades, MD
Medically reviewed by Pat F. Bass III, MD, MPH

A change in your sleep habits is one of the most common effects of depression. Lack of sleep can start before depression, be a symptom of depression, and make depression worse.

"Depression and sleep are closely related," says Prashant Gajwani, MD, associate professor and vice chairman of clinical affairs in the department of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Texas Medical School in Houston. "Depression is a brain illness, and it affects many types of brain functions, including the sleep-wake cycle. Once this biologic clock has been disturbed, it can make sleep even more irregular and that adds to the depression. It can become a vicious cycle for many people."

Effects of Depression on Sleep

People with depression commonly experience disturbed sleep patterns, but the way depression affects sleep varies widely.

"Difficulty getting enough sleep is a major symptom for most people with depression, but for about 10 to 20 percent of people, the effects of depression result in sleeping too much," says Dr. Gajwani. Depression commonly causes:

Difficulty falling asleep
Difficulty staying asleep
Waking up early in the morning
Oversleeping
Sleeping during the day
Poor quality of sleep
Waking up feeling tired

Effects of Sleep on Depression

The amount of restful sleep you are getting can affect your emotional health. "Lack of sleep for a long enough time can cause depression," says Gajwani. Although it is unlikely that lack of sleep alone is responsible for most cases of depression, it may contribute to depression in some people. The fact that many people who have sleep problems develop depression may indicate that sleep disorders and depression have similar causes or risk factors. Links between depression and sleep have been found in many studies, for example:

Research shows that people with insomnia have a 10-fold higher risk of developing depression.
Other types of sleep-related disorders, like obstructive sleep apnea and restless leg syndrome, are associated with high rates of depression. For people with obstructive sleep apnea, depression often improves with apnea treatment.
Research shows that children with depression who experience a lack of sleep or who sleep too much are more likely to have longer and more severe episodes of depression.
Experts suspect that chronic lack of sleep caused by physical illness is one reason older people have higher rates of depression.

Tips for a Good Night's Sleep

If you’re having a hard time sleeping at night or you are sleeping away too much of the day, following some healthy sleep habits may help. To start, set a bedtime schedule. "It is very important for people with a history of depression to keep regular hours of sleep,” says Gajwani. “You should go to bed about the same time and get up about the same time, and use your bedroom only for sleep or sex." Here are some other tips to sleep by:

Exercise. "Make sure to get regular exercise and spend some time outdoors in the sunlight every day. This is a good way to set your biologic clock, and it helps maintain a regular sleep-wake cycle," says Gajwani.
Skip the nap. Avoid afternoon naps, which can lead to nighttime insomnia.
Limit caffeine and alcohol, especially later in the day. Caffeine is a stimulant and can keep you wide awake, while alcohol can disrupt sleep quality. "Alcohol before bedtime will interfere with sleep,” warns Gajwani. “It may help you fall asleep, but you are less likely to sleep through the night."
Get up if you can’t sleep. "Don't waste time lying in bed looking at your clock," says Gajwani. If you find yourself lying awake, the best thing is to get up and do something relaxing until you feel tired.
Shut off the TV. "Avoid watching television late at night. Most shows in the evening are too stimulating and do not promote good sleep,” says Gajwani. “It's better to read a book or do a relaxing activity in the hours before bed."
Practice good sleep hygiene. This includes using your bedroom primarily for sleeping and sticking to a regular sleep schedule. Avoid distractions in your bedroom, like phones, computers, too much light, and too much noise. Make sure your bed is comfortable and that the room temperature is comfortable for sleeping.

Changes in sleep patterns can be an effect of depression or an early warning sign of it. Let your doctor know if you are not able to sleep or if you are sleeping too much. "Over-the-counter sleep aids are not a good solution for people with depression and sleep problems,” says Gajwani. “Practice good sleep hygiene, get regular exercise, and work with your doctor or therapist to get your depression under control." Taking care of yourself, including getting the right amount of restful sleep, can help you manage your depression.

Last Updated: 09/14/2012
This section created and produced exclusively by the editorial staff of EverydayHealth.com. © 2013 EverydayHealth.com; all rights reserved.

Soy: The Pros and Cons

The Truth About Soy

Is soy a disease-preventing miracle food or a dangerous health threat disguised as diet-friendly protein? Here are both sides of the story, and why there's no clear picture of soy's health pros and cons.

By Annie Hauser, Senior Editor

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced in 1999 that diets including daily soy resulted in a significantly reduced risk of heart disease, the No. 1 cause of death in the United States, then and now.

With the announcement, soy officially became a darling of the health-food world and a cornerstone of American diets.

Fast-forward 13 years, and soy products are still widely seen as healthy alternatives to their animal counterparts. Soy protein saturates supermarket shelves — sneaking into everything from cereal to protein bars to crackers to frozen meals and even surprising places like some brands of canned tuna — not to mention the more recognizable forms of soy, including edamame, tofu, soy milk, soy cheeses, and soy meats.

But as soy's popularity wages on, some notable nutritionists and doctors now warn against consuming soy in any form, including the processed and packaged foods that contain types of soy protein.

Isoflavones: Soy's Potentially Dangerous Compound

The reason is soy's isoflavones, a naturally occurring plant compound that is present is all forms of soy, including organic soy, which is a type of phytoestrogen. Phytoestrogen is produced by plants and is slightly different from the estrogen hormone produced by the human body. But in excess, it can create some of the devastating effects of estrogen overload in both men and women. Although soy isn't the only source of isoflavones in the modern diet (all legumes have them), soy is the most concentrated, says Amy Gross MPH, RD, CDN of the NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital Weill Cornell Medical Center in New York City. To make things more confusing, while isoflavones harm some people, they have been found to be beneficial in others. 

"There are different theories as to why these things may affect us differently, or exacerbate one thing and improve another in our bodies," Gross says. "It could potentially bind to estrogen receptors in different cells in our body. It could act similarly to estrogen or take over where estrogen would usually take over when looking at that receptor itself that would be on that individual cell. There is a lot of research that tells different stories."

Soy's Health Benefits and Risks: Why the Jury Is Out

"Soy is very heavily marketed as a healthy food," says Kaayla Daniel, PhD, a nutritionist and author of the book The Dark Side of Soy, "but the fact is, we've got hundreds of studies that link soy consumption to malnutrition, ADHD, immune system, reproductive health problems, digestive disorders, certain types of cancers, and more." It is also important to note that non-genetically modified soy and organic soy has been linked to these health conditions as well, Daniel says. Israel and Germany have issued warnings against the consumption of soy foods for young children and infants. New Zealand also warns that soy formula for infants should only be used as a last resort. To date, these three countries are the only ones to come out forcefully against soy consumption.

Still, some studies indicates that soy in moderation, particularly tempeh, miso, and other soy sources with relatively low levels of isoflavones, can be beneficial — though many of these pro-soy studies have been funded by soy lobbying groups, such as the Soybean Board.

Here's a look at some of the conditions soy can affect. 

• Thyroid function. Hypothyroidism is often cited as the greatest risk of soy consumption: Just 30 grams of soybeans a day for 30 days produced thyroid issues in healthy adult men and women, a landmark study at Aichi Medical University in Japan found. "Soy is one of the many factors that puts the thyroid at risk," Daniel says, "and we know from many studies that just one glass of soy milk per day is sufficient to cause thyroid problems." 

• Allergies. The cause of itching, inflammation, hives, and even deadly anaphylaxis, soy is one of the top eight allergens in the food supply, the FDA reports. Because of these concerns and rising rates of soy allergies, the FDA began requiring food producers to print a "Contains: Soy" label on any food with any type of soy. "Because there's soy in just about everything that’s processed, people with soy allergies are really going to have to prepare foods from scratch — a blessing in disguise for overall health," Daniel says.

• Reproductive risks. Several studies, including one recently conducted at the University of Geneva Medical School, have linked the isoflavones in soy to a decreased sperm count and sexual side effects in mice. Soy-and-mice studies are numerous and controversial because critics argue that mice studies do not have a direct human application and that the mice studied are given much more concentrated doses of soy than any human would eat. "It’s true that mice and humans are different, but if soy adversely affect animals, it’s obvious that there’s going to be some effect on humans as well," Daniel counters.

• Cancer risk. Cancer and soy is one of the most hot-button health issues today. Some studies, including one that tracked almost 100,000 California women for eight years, have found that soy consumption decreases risk for ovarian or breast cancers. A second study that tracked 64,000 Japanese women for 15 years linked soybean curd, specifically tofu, consumption to a decreased mortality rate from ovarian cancer.
  
  On the flip side, multiple studies have linked soy consumption to breast cancer recurrence, meaning if a woman already has breast cancer, it's likely to come back if she eats a soy-heavy diet. Mark Messina, MD, who is an advisor to the U.S. Soybean Board, says studies have linked soy consumption to a decreased risk of prostate cancer, however a recent Swedish study concluded the opposite.

• Heart health and weight management. If there's one thing those on both sides of the soy debate can agree on, it's that soy products are an excellent source of lean protein. "If you’re choosing soy instead of a higher fat meat source as your protein, you will have less calories and less saturated fat, so it will be more of a heart-healthy choice," Gross says. "If you're doing it correctly, eating lower-calorie soy products instead of animal products could help with managing your weight." Studies have also found that regular soy consumption can lower bad LDL cholesterol.

• Menopause. In some women, soy's isoflavones improve symptoms of menopause, such as hot flashes. In others, soy only exacerbates symptoms, Daniel says."That’s why we need to respect soy as actually being a powerful medicine that is sometimes appropriate and many times not appropriate," she explains. Unfortunately, the only real way to know how it will affect you is to try it, Daniel says, because there's no test to determine soy's affect on individuals.

Should You Eat Soy?

Soy, like all foods, has pros and cons, so like all foods, the take-home message is to consume it in moderation. Gross recommends eating one to two servings a day, max, as part of a balanced diet, which includes plenty of fruits and vegetables, whole grains, low- or nonfat dairy, and other sources of lean protein.  Because soy often hides in processed foods under aliases such as "textured vegetable protein," it's important to read nutrition labels on anything you buy to make sure it doesn't have hidden soy along with other ingredients.

"Soy is in so many things you might not expect," Daniel warns. "Just about everything that comes in a package. If you’re eating a lot of processed and packaged foods, you're also eating additives and flavorings, high-fructose corn syrup, and who knows what else, so it's not just the soy that's the problem in those products."

Instead, Daniel and Gross both recommend preparing whole foods at home that you can make from scratch, and avoiding processed foods whenever possible for overall health.

"I think that it’s entirely appropriate to include soy in your diet," Gross says. "But I wouldn’t have it be everything that you’re eating. We need a variety of foods, and if you're focusing on one food, you might be missing out."

Soy Milk vs. Regular Cow's Milk

TELL US: Are you for or against soy? Sound off in the comments.

For more nutrition news, follow @weightloss on Twitter from the editors of @EverydayHealth.

Biker arrested for accident that caused attack on SUV driver

Biker surrenders to New York cops after another arrested for accident that caused attack on SUV driver

Motorcyclist Christopher Cruz allegedly caused an accident with Alexian Lien when he cut off the SUV driver on Sunday. Lien, who was driving his wife and their 2-year-old, stopped but fled when a group of bikers began to damage his Range Rover — and Lien plowed into rider Edwin Mieses, who's been left paralyzed, his mother says.

BY BEVERLY FORD IN LAWRENCE, MASS. , JOE KEMP AND THOMAS TRACY / NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

PUBLISHED: TUESDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2013, 8:14 AM

UPDATED: WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2013, 4:56 AM

Sources said Christopher Cruz, 28 (pictured) cut Alexian Lien off on the Henry Hudson Parkway and caused the accident that triggered a wild 4-mile chase through upper Manhattan.

Cops have arrested two of the bikers who they say sparked a hell-on-wheels ordeal in upper Manhattan that ended with a mob beating and slashing a man in front of his wife and 2-year-old.
As Christopher Cruz, 28, was awaiting arraignment on charges stemming from the attack on Alexian Lien, police arrested a second motorcyclist, Allen Edwards, 42, of Queens.

Cops are trying to identify two suspects (pictured) who are also wanted in the beating and slashing a Manhattan man in front of his family.

RELATED: PACK OF MOTORCYCLISTS CHASE MAN IN SUV ON WEST SIDE HIGHWAY

Cruz was riding with a swarm of motorcyclists when he swerved in front of Lien’s Range Rover on the Henry Hudson Parkway and stopped short, causing Lien, 33, to bump the biker’s back tire, police said.

INSTAGRAM/REDYREDBX

Video shows Lien, 33, being ripped out of his Range Rover and beaten in front of his wife and 2-year-old daughter.

Video taken by one of the sport-bikers taking part in the wild ride shows the group of motorcyclists then stopping and surrounding the SUV. They attacked the door and tires, cops say, and Lien peeled away, seriously injuring one of the bikers.

Cruz was charged with menacing, reckless endangerment and endangering the welfare of a child.Edwards surrendered after police released a photo of him. He was charged Tuesday night with reckless endangerment, criminal mischief and menacing, police said.

Mieses was in a medically induced coma at St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital, family said.

RELATED: MAN PUNCHES STORE CLERK OVER 41-CENT CHARGESources said Edwards was the biker shown in an online video pounding on the rear window of Lien’s Range Rover while another brute bashed in the driver’s-side window using his helmet.

Mieses was in a medically-induced coma at St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital, family said.

Cops were still searching for other motorcyclists who dragged Lien out of the SUV and beat and slashed him. He received stitches for his wounds and was released.RELATED: MAN FATALLY STABBED IN BROOKLYN

Mieses was recovering from broken legs, bruised lungs and spine fractures. Family said doctors fear he may never walk again.

Lien was not charged, angering relatives of biker Edwin Mieses, 32, of Lawrence, Mass., who had both legs broken when Lien ran him over trying escape the pack.“You have to look at the totality of the circumstances and that’s what we’re doing,” said NYPD Commissioner Raymond Kelly, noting that Lien fled the attacking bikers in fear for his and his family’s safety.

The bikers left the pummeled man bleeding on the ground before police arrived.The bikers were taking part in a ride loosely organized by a group called Hollywood Stuntz. Police arrested 15 bikers Sunday for incidents unrelated to the mob attack. “We had over 200 calls just on Sunday about this particular group operating in a reckless manner,” Kelly said.With Rocco Parascandola and Bill Hutchinsonjkemp@nydailynews.com@joekempUsing a mobile device? Click here for video.Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/cops-hunt-bikers-wanted-wild-upper-manhattan-attack-article-1.1472419#ixzz2gYcymz65LIVELEAK.COM

About 30 bikers caught up with Lien in Washington Heights. One biker so far has been charged with menacing, reckless endangerment, reckless driving and endangering the welfare of a child.LIVELEAK.COMPolice said Lien initially stopped after the accident, but several angry bikers began to bash his car with their helmets and slash his tires before he fled.

My Affair with Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo of COZA – By Ese Walter

This article contains stories that most ‘church people’ don’t want to address. So, if you are one of those living in denial and covering up crap going on in the church, this is where you should stop reading. Thanks for stopping by.

Now, for the rest of us, please sit down and switch on your open mind. I want to talk about something I have kept bottled up inside for longer than necessary. I have also decided to use real names, as my defense for any accusation of slander is justification. I tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but. However, feel free to throw your doubt around but know that I am past the shaming game (where victims of abuse are shot down by blame) I am no longer a victim but a survivor who is sharing her experience to help others caught in same web of abuse, guilt and shame. We only get to live once right? So here, it goes…

I recently came to know this event too was abuse (recently here means about 6 months ago). It has literally been eating me up having to drive by another billboard advertising preachers, or hearing his name, or even trying to ask about the validity of the entire salvation story and whether or not there is a God that truly watches over his people. That being said, I’m just going to say it as it is. This is a recap of my affair with Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo of COZA (Common Wealth Of Zion Assembly) Abuja chapter. This affair I have come to know as a form of abuse as you would see the different elements of abuse very present.

I met Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo many years ago. I was getting bored of the church I was attending and someone suggested COZA. At the time, I had never heard about it. My friend said, go there, I’m sure you would enjoy the word. But he also gave me a strong warning. He said he would advice that I remain a member only and not join the workforce. I agreed. The first time I attended COZA, I felt it was my church and decided I was going to plant my ass there. About eleven months had gone by and I was still attending the services quietly and faithfully. I really did like the church. One day a worker in the church approached me that the senior pastor wanted to see me.

Me? I thought. Why would the senior pastor want to see me? Not the second man but the head nigga in charge? Ok na! I started to think my sin was oozing so bad the pastor could tell I needed Jesus. (Poor old me.) I saw him at the end of the second service (they had two services at the time) and he said to me that he would like me to work with him. I knew I had no intentions of becoming a pastor so I had to ask in what capacity. He said he’d like for me to join a department, preferably the Pastoral Care Unit (PCU).

A few weeks later, against my friend’s advice not to join the workforce, I was a PCU member. All of a sudden, I had some status in church. I was ‘somebody.’ Dress had to be on point, hair, shoes and what not… As workers, we were literally trying to outshine each other or so it seemed. Anyways, I felt like I was a privileged member of an elite circle. Hehehe. (It did feel good though, for the most part.)

About a year after joining the workforce, I was on my way to London for a Masters degree program that would last two years. As was the rule for workers travelling, I wrote to say I would be away for 2 years and Pastor Biodun Fotoyinbo asked that I keep in touch by sending him my number and email when I had settled in London so he “makes sure I continue in the faith” because according to him, people loose their faith when they leave home and he wanted to make sure I didn’t. So, on that note, as soon as I got a phone line in London, I was sure to call ‘my pastor’ to say I arrived safe, had settled in and also gave my phone number.

We had spoken a few times especially when COZA started to stream online. I always watched and would give feedback on quality of production and share a little bit on the challenges I faced settling in a new land. One evening, Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo called me that he was coming to London and needed me to help him make some hotel bookings as the person who was meant to do it couldn’t get it done (this was rather strange as I had never been involved in his travel itinerary) Later that day, he said it had been sorted and my help would not be required but that he would like me to arrange a cab to pick him up from Heathrow. I was happy to help my pastor from Nigeria and even saw it as a privilege. (I would later come to learn that all of this was a calculated attempt to hatch a plan that I suspect was set in motion when I was asked to join the workforce.)
The cab guy was there to get him the next day and when he arrived, he called to ask why I didn’t accompany the cab to pick him up (again, this was strange but I stopped my mind from overanalyzing the situation as I knew I had no business with his visit to London) About two hours later, he called me and said he would like to see me. When I arrived his hotel, I called from the reception but he asked that I come upstairs. I got to the room and tried to stop my mind from thinking why I was going to his room. As he opened the door and invited me in, I had to speak to my heart to stop its palpitations. My better judgment asked me not to go into the room but the kind of reverence I had for Pasotr Biodun Fatoyinbo bordered on fear and I steeped into that room.
“Care for a drink?” Asked Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo.
“No sir,” I said.
“You don’t have to be shy Ese, even if it’s alcohol, feel free and order what you want.” I wasn’t sure I heard my pastor asking me to order alcohol. I imagined it was a test and ignored the voice inside that was saying, “I’d have henny and coke please.” He proceeded to ask how I had been coping in London and if I was a committed member of any church. He also said he thought there was something special about me and wanted to know that I had not strayed from my faith. I really thought he had heard I was doing something I shouldn’t while in London but tried my best to focus on the conversation instead of my straying thoughts. He kept telling me to relax and feel comfortable with talking to him. After a few minutes, he asked that we go to the roof of the hotel as his room was a pent suite and had a connecting door to the roof.

While there, he sat on a reclining chair and asked me to come sit on his laps. This was a bit awkward for me and I froze for a moment as I asked why. He said he had told me to feel free with him and loosen up. I found myself strolling to sit on his laps. At that moment, I felt like a little girl who was experiencing something her mind couldn’t fathom. He asked me to kiss him and all I could think about was seeing him preach on the pulpit back in COZA Abuja, Nigeria, which was my home church. He again said ‘feel free Ese.’ And asked again, that I kiss him.

A few hours later, let’s just say, we were rolling under the sheets. It felt as though my mind had paused. I am not saying I was jazzed, (although it’s possible I was in some trancelike state and didn’t know it but I just was so afraid that I couldn’t say or think otherwise.) That was the beginning of this affair. A sexual affair that went on for a little over a week, DAILY!
I can hear somebody’s mind thinking, ‘well, you weren’t raped.” And I remember a pastor I opened up to when I couldn’t take all the mind games asking if I seduced him. No, I didn’t seduce him and no, I wasn’t raped but I felt trapped in this affair. Come to think of it, how could I have seduced him when I wanted nothing from him? I mean, I was too busy minding my business in London trying to get through with my masters program and I was overly comfortable. And even if I wanted to seduce anyone, it wouldn’t be a married man, not to mention a married pastor.
What I couldn’t reconcile the whole time, was how the same person who preached against the very things we were doing (i.e drinking in pubs, fornicating, committing adultery) was the same person endorsing and encouraging it.

At some point, I got really confused about what Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo and I were doing that I had to ask how he handles it. I will never forget what he said to me. He said and I quote, “I will teach you a level of grace that you don’t understand.” My mind couldn’t fathom that somehow grace was enough covering for not just fornication on my path, adultery on his path and the many lies that was bound to follow what we were doing that was clearly abominable. I somehow dealt with the thoughts and fears that followed on my path. He had said to me that he wanted me to be his girlfriend and he would take me around the world and spoil me with money and things. Somehow, money had never been one of the things that motivated me (I am from a home where all my needs have been adequately met) In all my ‘badness’ through finding myself, I never did things I did for money but more of rebellion against rules and authority.

Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo also said to me that he had a dream where I exposed what was happening to the media. Said it was all over the place and that people were calling me the girl that caused chaos in COZA. He also said I should remember the bible said to “touch not God’s anointed.” I immediately started to rebuke the devil and said I could never do anything like that. I was almost swearing with my entire family as I thought really I had touched God’s anointed by submitting my body to be used. Little did I know at the time that all of these were ways to mess with my mind and even manipulate my thoughts.
Fast-forward a few months later, I was back in Nigeria and my church had become uncomfortable. Anytime I sat in church and listened to Pastor Biodun preach, I felt shame. I finally sent him a message saying I wasn’t comfortable anymore. I was confused and needed to talk about what had happened. He said I should meet him to talk and I did. It was a really weird meeting for me especially when he tried to kiss me at our meeting. I finally realized at this point that he couldn’t help me. I thought God was angry with me and I couldn’t pray so I decided to withdraw completely from COZA. This was the beginning of my mental torture. I couldn’t talk to my family because already, I was the only one attending a different church and somehow my mom never liked the idea. As the days went by I tried to use drinking and smoking to cover up the deep shame and guilt I was battling with. But as soon as the high was over, the thoughts came back and I felt stuck like I couldn’t move forward.
I felt I had to talk to someone and I decided to speak to my then good friend, Ernest Akale but unfortunately for me, Mr. Ernest did not have the capacity to hold what I said to him. He broke down completely the days that followed and I found myself having to pause how I was feeling and what I was struggling with to help my friend be strong. After a while, he withdrew from not just me but his then fiancé and friends. I had to then tell the fiancé what had caused it (she suspected we were having an affair so I had to clear the air) To my surprise she was a lot stronger than her man and told me to suck it up (I’m paraphrasing). She said if she were me, she wouldn’t leave the church but stay to torment Pastor Biodun and collect money from him. Ok! That sounded extreme for me, as my intention was not to blackmail but to heal my broken self. Anyways, I finally found the courage to speak to my then unit head who said he was going to talk to Pastor Biodun but didn’t have the liver to do so. Before long, the story was spreading and naturally getting twisted.
I went to a new church and it seemed like the COZA bug had chased me there. The pastor would always refer to COZA as some example and each time that was done, it seemed like a spear was thrust through my chest. One day, I broke down in the service and started crying uncontrollably, as I couldn’t take another mention of COZA and the pictures it painted in my head.

Very long, boring story cut short, for the last 5 months I gave the whole church thing a big space and break. I wasn’t sure I believed in God. I wasn’t sure I understood what it meant when people said ‘Jesus saves” and I definitely wasn’t sure how to deal with the mental torture that was affecting not just me but my relationships with family and friends. I was very unstable, fearful and worst of all guilty. I got a chance to talk to Pastor Folarin of COZA Lagos Chapter, popularly called Pastor flo about everything. I made an effort to reach out to him because I realized the right thing to do was talk to an elder in the church and seek some sort of remedy to a wrong I believed had been done me.
Instead, Pastor Flo said, Pastor Biodun had confessed to him and they had ‘talked’ about it and somehow that was supposed to be Ok. He asked what it was I wanted coming to talk to him about it when I did, I told him I realized what happened between Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo and I was wrong and not just that I felt abused and manipulated. I also said I thought it was wrong for Pastor Biodun to go on preaching without taking time to deal with his personal character flaws. I said I thought he was danger to all the young women that attended the church. Come to think of it, maybe he meant if I wanted something monetary or material (as someone had suggested when I opened up to her) but the truth is, I never wanted his money (or is it the church member’s money.) All I wanted was to meet with him and have him accept that he misled me, betrayed his wife and the church he pastors. I wasn’t the only lady in COZA who had been a victim of his sexcapades and manipulative patterns but I was the one who could come back after months of struggle with not just my faith but also my affair with him. And I wanted to set things right. I wanted to talk to Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo maybe for closure and I felt like I needed an apology because he played the “touch not my anointed” card to keep me locked in guilt, shame and fear when all along it was a calculated plan and I dare say, it started when he asked me to join the workforce.

Not to mention the audacity to talk about teaching me a level of grace I didn’t understand. I had no intention of understanding a grace that would permit me to go on doing things that were wrong and what’s worse having to carry the burden for almost a year.

Different surprising advises came up in the weeks that followed the rumour making rounds. I was told to hush because Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo had been a cultist in the past and could send people to shut me up. All my so-called friends in COZA withdrew from me and treated me like I had the plague. What was worse was Pastor Flo finally saw my then pastor to ‘talk’ about what had happened with Pastor Biodun and lied that it happened once and was a mistake. My question then became, ‘do these people even care how broken I had become?’ ’do they care about the emotional and spiritual welfare of the people they were pastoring?’ The sad answer was NO. Most of us old members of COZA kept leaving but they couldn’t care less. What was important was to keep growing the church and having more and more cars with stickers that read “More than enough.”  Back then, I always felt horrible when I saw another car drive past me with the sticker. I was breaking, I was struggling but no one could help. All they could do was ask me to hide so Pastor Biodun’s goons don’t hurt me. And then the interesting one was if I had evidence to prove my claim. Let me just say here that, it isn’t a claim, it’s a confession to free me from all of the guilt and shame I have had to live with for no reason at all. (That being said, I have evidence to prove all I have said here, the latest being a 58 minutes recording of my meeting with Pastor Flo a few months back)

This is my confession and I cannot begin to describe how much weight has been lifted off of my shoulders just pouring the truth out about what went down. So, to all my ex COZA friends gossiping about me, get your facts right. To those who said they’d help me deal with the pain but didn’t, I forgive you, I have learnt how to deal with it and I am doing just fine. To those who fear for my safety saying Pastor Biodun would send people to shut me up, I really have gone past fearing for my life. To live is gain and to die is Christ (or how does Paul say it again?) And to the only person who ever supported me through it all, thank you, I am learning to be brave. Please don’t think I am perfect in all of this but in line with living my authentic life and putting all forms of abuse behind me, this is where I press the stop button and stop the bleeding. This is where I break the silence and call the church to stand up for what it has been commissioned to do. If you will not enter the Kingdom, please don’t stop others who are trying to enter.

I still remember when I used to nurse the idea of digging up emails, text messages, hotel billings (as once I used my card to pay for his room when his master card failed to work) to prove there was an affair. It was pathetic. Why for the love of heaven was I trying to dig up evidence? I am satisfied setting the record straight. I am ready for any shaming or bashing that would follow because the truth is, because of what I have suffered and come through, I am really not moved by what people say or think about me anymore. I am a stronger woman and a damn abuse survivor seeking to connect with other victims of abuse to show them how to deal with the shame, hurt and guilt and how to come out stronger. Turning their mess into their message.

I am Ese Walter and I have gone through all forms of abuse from family, boyfriends, my ex pastor and some strangers not to break me, but so I stand and so I qualify to help victims. My scars have qualified me and when all is said and done, I will still be standing. I AM WOMAN, I BEND, I DON’T BREAK!
Cheers to the freaking weekend!!!

Written originally on http://jadeafrican.com By Ese Walter

The Human Mind: To Believe or Not to Believe

Long ago I discovered that we humans tend to want our expectations to meet reality in order to create a sense of equilibrium. Some of us will even avoid and/or ignore sources of information (facts) & situations that go against what they believe(or want to believe) to avoid a feeling of uneasiness & being wrong. If this uneasiness is not reduced by changing one's belief, it can result in restoring in misperception(s), rejection or arguing against the information (facts), seeking support from others who share their (false)beliefs, and attempting to persuade others.
I have tried my entire life to fully understand this as well as avoid being like this. I have to constantly keep this in mind and always keep information coming in by seeking knowledge from many, any, & all sources. My brain as well as yours is a sort & order clerk always sifting through data. 
This is why I do not force my children to believe in any religious school of thought. I am fully aware that one day they will make that choice for themselves. So I allow them to learn about them all. Upon adulthood they will choose whether to believe or not and pick what it is exactly they want to believe in. This I hope will avoid them being narrow minded & having tunnel vision. This is true FREEDOM! This is just me and I'm just saying...
...what say you?